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Well, yesterday was definately interesting. From the time I last journaled till I'd say about 12 a.m. I swear I didn't plan anything. Stuff just happens, you know? But it kinda makes me wonder what Tuesday is gonna be like when I have to actually see him again. Things might be a little different, but I'm hoping I'm wrong because I don't want things to get wierd. Or even more wierd than they normally are. I know you people have no clue what the hell I'm talking about and that's okay!! Part of me doesn't want you to know. I mean I don't regret it, not in the least, but it's still kinda strange to say to people 'this is what I did' you know? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.................... I don't know.
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Now I have fantasies just like every other girl, but having them while I'm on the phone with Chris and thinking about when Sami and I first kissed and the way it felt to have Chris's hands on my body.. The mix is dangerous! And now I have now clue what to do! The tingling sensation in my special place wont go away and I can't get my mind to stop thinking about it! Damn I'm reminding myself of a man! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! What should I do???????
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The Music Director(Mr. Mac) is awesome!!! He sety high standards, so that's fun. All the other classes are cool too. I have yet to get lost and now pretty much all of my friends know I'm bi and are okay with it! How great is that!!!! Anyway i'll go into more detail later, but I'm not really in the mood to explain my whole week right now. love you all bunches, ttyl, maddie
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I'm feeling very sad now and I don't know why?? It's one of those things that just hit you out of nowhere. It sucks, but there's not much I can do about it i suppose. Well I don't really feel like writing so I'm gonna go. love you guys, Maddie
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Okay, so it's like 4:30 in the morning, but I'm still up. So not smart when school is next week!!!! lol I got my hair fix today, or yesterday now. But it looks so cute!!! I was totally freaking out while the cut it because trying new things is supper hard for me. Especially when it comes to my hair. But I loved the lady who did it for me. She was so nice, not one of those snoby preppy bitches that usually work in those places. lol You gotta admit it's true??? Angie hasn't been on myspace.com since the second and her last to entries in her blog weren't very, shall we say, happy? So I don't know whether to think she's just been busy or she's getting herself into trouble. I hate that I worry about her so much. I bet it's probably no big deal. She's probably just hanging out with her friends or that person she likes now!!!! You know, I just wish I knew whether it was a guy or girl. That would help so much. Anyway, everything is going pretty well besides her. i'm happy and totally freaked that schools gonna start. I'll feel a lot better once I know my way around, the people I'll be sitting with at lunch and all that. I'm hoping that this guy I've been talking to that goes to my school, well, I'm hoping him and I will become good friends, so I can become friends with his friends and so forth. Of course that'll only matter depending on his social standing. I know I sound shallow, but I'll spend 4 years there I don't want to have to be the stupid loser while I'm there! I don't want to give anyone any reason to make fun of me. I have to make friends with the right people, you know. I have the clothes to help me, and the hair, and the backpack, the only thing I'm missing is the attitude... That's one thing I don't think I'll be able to grasp. Confidence is not one of my best abilities, so to speak. Especially in a brand new school, with no clue where to go.. Okay now I'm freaking myself out even more than usual. If anyones got any helpful words I'd love to hear them right about now... Oh and totally off topic, but if anyone knows how to update flash 9 please tell me I need to get it on this computer.. HEARTS ALWAYS,
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I am so bored!!!! I stayed up till 4 last night and got up at 11. 7 hours. Not bad. I'm still at Lindsey's. Of course and she sitting reading Harry Potter. The 3rd one. I don't know why she'd rather read them than listen to them, but whatever. I'm listening to only u. It a kinda old song, but I still like it. High School starts in a couple of days. About a week. I'm so freaked! Luckly I know a Jr. who's gonna help me out. I don't know if I fully trust him though? Well see. lol wanna here something funny??? Yesterday I was talking to this guy about Angie and we were debating on what I should do. And this guy is 32 and I managed to win!!!! That proves it emotional issues and guys so don't mix!!! lol It sucks too, but hey, now we know it's a fact.
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OKay, so I can sometimes be a slut. I know I can be. I suppose I should really draw a line for myself. I used to have on, but I guess I'm just loosing control. And that's not good. Let me explain: I'm a good girl. I do what I'm told and I try hard in school. I do my chores without being told and I love to cuddle with my mom on the couch after she gets off work. However, sometimes I want to get out and do something totally crazy!!! Unfortunately, most of the time that means doing something I'll totally regret. And I just so happen to be a good actress. (As long as no one knows I'm acting.) So what do you think would happen when a guy wants you to call him after talkin you up a bit. Well I SHOULD have blocked him right then and there. That's what I'd nomally do, but no. I decided to play him up a bit. To kinda see how it all worked. (phone sex. basically.) I know it's shocking to her from me. And I hate that it happened. I mean I didn't fully go through with it. I did call him and acted like I was into it, but I was totally freaked. I didn't like being there, talking to him. Eventually I hung up on him and had Lindsey turn her phone off. Then I got back on myspace and blocked him then. The point is that I hte myself for it and now would be a great time to cut. I know I deserve it. I shouldn't be allowed to live. Why the hell did God put such a twisted person like me on the planet??? Maybe I should just bleed! I'd be doing everyone a favor and they know it. Even if they don't admit it. They know it's true. I mean look at me! I'm a wreck. My dad is probably so pissed I don't even know. He's probably ashamed to call me his daughter. Maybe he'll just disown me alltogether. Just cause he's dead doesn't mean he can't do that kind of stuff you know??? Man I feel so dirty. You have no idea!!!! I just wanna lay down and die. I'd save the world of myself. (HELL broken loose)
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Sorry I haven't been on for so long, but I'm here now. Nothing is really going on. I'm still missing Angie like crazy, but it's getting easier everyday. I know there is now someone else she wants to be with, so I have to respect that and let go. If that's what she want then who am I to stop her? However she is beginning to worry me. She's slipping back into deep depression and she wont let me help her. Everytime I write to her she doesn't respond and if she doesn't open up and trust me, Imean really trust me, I can't do anything, but wait to see what she does next. And even that depends on her writing in her myspace blog. And if she ends up making that friends only then I'm scewed. I just want to be there for her, you know? I guess I probably sound like some kind of stalker or something, but I'm not. I just really care about this girl and I don't want to see her destroy her own life. She means a lot to me that's all. I guess, in a way, I still love her, but it's like they say: Sometimes loving someone means letting go.. And that's what I have to do. Unfortuanately that's the one thing I don't know how to do.
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Well, I've decided not to let Angelina get to me. (we'll see how long this lasts.) I know I worry way to much about crap that doesn't even matter. I was happy before I knew that she still loved me. That is if she really still does, I'm doubting that now, but what ever, right? The point is that I'm not gonna let something control my life. I've let that happen so many times and it's gotten me no where, so why go down the same road again? My sister's coming over today, well maybe, she might go over to my brother's. I hope she does that instead. I hate when she comes over! She drives me nutts!! And totally takes over the computer. Myspace isn't working right cause I guess they had a power outage yesterday, in L.A. that directly hit the Myspace data base. It really sucks, but not in a major way cause Amelia and a new friend Cristina are here and they are just so awesome!! They have to leave this Tuesday, which also sucks, but it's been fun. We even went skinny dipping while Lindsey's parents were away. Lindsey did for a minute, but decided otherwise later. Cristina didn't feel comferable enough so she just went a sat in a chair, but still, she only had a towel on, so I'd say that's pretty cool. I mean we were outside after all. Still Amelia and I stayed in the pool for a while. It was loads of fun. I actually liked it once I got in. Just being outside with no clothes on was kinda freaky. Once you get into the pool it kinda feels like you're still clothed.. In a way that is. My mom is dying to have me back home and, don't get me wrong, I like being home and I love my mom, but the Summers I'm always away. It's like my break away for all the craziness of my family. Maybe later.
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 OKay, so I know I complain way to much. So Angie says she loves me? What's the big deal? Why is it a big deal? is it? No of course not!!! Maybe. And it's not even the fact that she loves me that bugs, its just like where do we go from here. Is there anywhere to go or should I just let all this die..(Something I've been very bad at in the past and proabably will be this time.) I just can't do it! I can't let go! No matter how hopeless, I can't give up! Is that such a bad thing??? I just really want to be able to hold her in my arms and kiss her every second of everyday... Hell, I constantly check to see if she's been on... And when she has and has also failed to write to me it makes me wonder.. Did I say something wrong? Did I forget something? I don't know. This is so crazy!!!! I'm crazy... Oh God what have I gotten myself into?
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Here's something to cheer me up... I love art, so..            So beautiful. I'll have to put some others up later.
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Well, I suppose I'm feeling lonely right now. Angie is grounded, so she hasn't wrote me back just yet. Then again how do I know she telling the truth about that?! I really do miss her. I know I should hate her, but I can't help it. She's almost always on my mind and it drives me crazy. I know she's very-- strange, but she's also very sweet. Watch let me show you an e-mail from when we were still together: ........................................ Manswer me this... why does God tease me so? nothing is real... it's just not... i cant love and i cant hate... nor do i want to. i like being in the dark... it's safe.. it's the only thing i know.... i dont want people to understand me..... being alone is part of the fun.... such pain has given me a stange feeling... and i like it.... we both know that time will only tell where this feeling will take me. and i can hardly wait... u may just call me an emo.. that i'm being beyond words stupid, but if that's what it takes to be here then okay... go ahead..... i know the truth.. the story untold... a whisper in the darkness of the night... never to be heard. w/b ............. HER: hm. God has his ways. No matter how mysterious. He's still your God. ......... ME: oh--- well--- fine. i guess ur right... ......... HER: yes, I suppose I am, aren't I? ........ ME: just shut up.. u brat!! just joking....promise... maybe? ......... HER: ha ha u sooo funny .......... ME: of course i am.. who do u think ur talking to.. stupid... oh wait i'm stupid... oh well... .......... HER: you are not. and u should be a comedian .......... ME: no cause ur the only person who thinks i'm funny...... i think?...... yep ur the only one! everyone else just thinks i'm wierd.... .......... HER: weird is good, I used to be weird, then I advanced to Maniac. .......... ME: well then, GO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .......... HER: ha ha ....no .......... ME: YES!!!! .......... HER: your so cute ........... ME: i know! i'm only the cutest fat person ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ........... HER: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!G.I.R.!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IT WHEN YOU SAY THAT!!!! ........................................ A lot of our conversations were like that. How I miss them. I know I may be crazy and I might just be asking for trouble, but I love her. I don't care what you people say, she is a good person, she only has a different way of expressing herself. Hell, she used to come up and ask me if she could kill certain preps. (Just the bitchy ones) She even wanted to "kill" my ex, Gabe. She hated him so much.  lol. She's so not a morning person..
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I woke up at 5 p.m. today.. lol That's what I get for staying up so late... People here are being very mean to me lately so I tend to spend less and less time here... I understand people don't want me to be hurt by Angie, but by just the way people are saying it hurts me.. I am a very sensitive person, so cruel words hurt me more than any blade.. I'm not talking about people wanting me to stay away from Angie, I can understand that, but do you honestly have to call me stupid, immature, crazy, ect. I know you people can't be so mean all the time and yet when I checked my comments today that's all that I found.. Negativity.. Out of the 57 comments I recieved only 3 that even sounded at all caring. They brung up the same points, yes, but in a much nicer way then saying I need therapy. Come on that's not good for anyone. Really..
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OH!!!!! MY!!!!! GOD!!!!!!! SHE LOVES ME!!!!! SHE REALLY, TRUELY LOVES ME!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!! JUST YESTERDAY I SENT HER THE COPY OF MY JOURNAL ENTRY WERE I WAS TOTALLY PISSED AT HER FOR LYING AND SAYING SHE WAS WITH LARRY AND THEN JUST NOW I CHECKED MY E-MAIL AND SHE WAS PISSED AT ME FOR YELLING AT HER SAYING THAT SHE HATES MY FAMILY. SHE EVEN SAID SHE WANTED TO KILL MY MOM AND SISTER... THEN SHE HAD ANOTHER IDEA TO KILL ME AND MY SISTER AND TO MAKE MY MOM SUFFER... (MOST OF YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS IS SO EVIL AND CRUEL, BUT IN HER WAY OF SPEAKING IT'S ACTUALLY VERY SWEET. SHE WANTS TO TORTURE MY MOM FOR BEING SO CRUEL TO ME. AND GETTING SO FUCKING STUPID WHEN IT COMES WITH ME LIKING GIRLS.) HERE, I'LL PUT HER E-MAIL ON FOR YOU GUYS TO SEE.... ........................................ God damn you. I can't believe you.You don't understand.You will NEVER understand. I hated it there, it WAS hell.An entire YEAR of not smoking was almost thrown down the drain because of YOUR drama and family, not to mention MY twisted family. DAMN YOU. And an F.Y.I to you, I hate Larry. I never went out with him, he didn't even ask me out..nor I him...Do you know why I said to you that I was going out with him?? BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. I didn't want to hurt you by telling you that I was still confused, and that I needed time alone.Your sister is a bitch, and it is very possible that one day I will come back to kill her. Your mom is a whore and you should never have to live with her again.You family doesn't understand you, and you could never understand me. I don't know why you fell for me, I don't know why I'm in love with a girl, and I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm so far away from you. I told you all that stuff on the phone because i didn't know who I was.I was fed up with your mom and sister. I was fed up with that school and maybe if I go back to kill your sister I'll burn that school and everyone in it down to hell (especially all the shallow-minded preps). I even wanted to kill you at one time, only because you confused me.Then...maybe, when your mom is all by herself with only her boyfriend to fuck her,then maybe she'll say to herself "Maybe I should have done things different...maybe I should have loved my daughters...maybe I should have accepted MADDIE... OH GOD, what have I done!" You don't know how bad I want to see her suffer, you don't know how bad I want to torture her soul....I could go into very intese detail, but she IS your mother, and they would be a rather large shock to you... ANOTHER F.Y.I. I'm grounded from the phone, and the I'm so so so sorry...that I lied to you, that I I do love you.
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I stayed up all last night just listening to music and talking to my friend. It's now 6 a.m. and I'm just starting to get tired... I have never been able to stay up all night so I'm very proud of myself, but now I'm really sleepy, so I think I'm just gonna call it game and go to sleep... TTYL maddie
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A lying, cheating, mother fucking bitch!!!!!!!! God I so wish I could just KILL her right now!!!! Slowly and oh so painfully I want to kill her!!! She tore out my heart and just when I thought I'd be okay, she comes straight back and destroys what's left of me... I want to kill!!! I want her to know what it feels like to know the one person who meant the most to her-the person she would've easily given up everything for-is the one person who stabbed her in the back with NO REGRET!!!! "friends" she says. "lets be friends" Bull shit!!!! I can't believe I trusted her to the point of death and I was nothing more than a way to feed her stupid ego... ---Oh look I stole her away from her boyfriend--- Well her and her stupid mother fucking ego can go to hell!!! Although according to her Hell is here!!! Stupid fucking bitch!!!!............ I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!... I've never felt so betrayed before in my life!!!!! I HATE HER! I HATE HER! I HATE HER! I truely, absolutely hate her! ...And what sucks is I still love her...
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omg!!!! i cant believe my mom called over here just to tell my friends mom not to let me on the computer!!!! what a bitch! dont get me wrong, i love my mom, but some of the things she does dives me absolutely CRAZY!!!!! and it's like she thinks that the more she take things away the "better" my so called depression will get... NEWSFLASH, it'll only make me try that much harder to get away from her.... honestly, have a little faith in me, it's not like i'm looking for ways to kill myself!!! actually the only real reason i'm not allowed on the computer is because she seems to believe that if i stay away from this site then i'll suddenly become straight... it's stupid, how just plain pathetic this whole thing is... i like girls, so what???!!!!! it's not like i'm asking her to agree w/ it, but just respect the fact that it's not something that she can change, it's not something that i even WANT to change.... and why would i????? i know this is one fight that will most likely never end, but i just wish she'd never found out about it... i know the whole coming out of the closet has to happen at sometime, but i wasnt ready for people to know.. i was still trying to figure things out for myself and i wanted the answer to come from me, not everyone around me.... i'm allways trying to make everyone else happy that for once i was trying to do something for myself... is that so bad??? apparently it is... and now it's like i feel ashamed of something that i should be ashamed of at all!!!! how messed up is that????!!! any advice would just be so great..... or any comment once so ever.... much love always, maddie
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OMG i havent been able to get on for so long cause my stupid sister has been over here and i have no clue how to make her leave!!! (i'm not allowed to be on the computer) she decided to go to my brothers class, so i have till 8P.m. to be on... then i dont know when i'll be back.... it sucks but theres nothing i can do about it.... Angie e-mailed me yesterday, it was just some stupid word game all of her friends were doing, but, first, i dont really care for word games, depending on the game, and second, it's just wierd... ok so that doesnt make sense, but i dont know... i just think it's strange to try to reconect w/ someone who cant decide whether they want to care for u or not.... i'm sure she never meant to hurt me, but she did... dont get me wrong, i'm over it, so i'm fine just being friends, but still.... idk... |
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it's a funny feeling when u dont know what's bothering u. like the whole world is in slow motion, waiting to see what ur gonna do. i've always thought enough to try and find a deeper meaning to things that most would forget and it seems to me that my heart is just... time has proven this untrue and yet i still believe and all of this is all of me.... ........................................ no one knows what i can see. the simple things that set me free. honesty, i think it's a piece, of what used to be, and someday it will fade, like all the rest, only to remembered at it's very best... it makes me cry, and i dont know why, but it's not my fault, i assure u this, w/ one delicate kiss... ................................ well i didnt mean to make a poem but it just worked out that way.... i'm not sure who it's really to.... kind of a wierd mix between to people.... and i know that doesnt make much sense, but whatever it's just a poem.... not one of my best, but a poem none the less.
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flirty
happy
crushed
anxious
bouncy
tired
enraged