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Current Location:
Lindsey's house
Current Mood:
flirty flirty
Current Music:
Mariah Carey--Bringin on the Heartbreak
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Well, yesterday was definately interesting. From the time I last journaled till I'd say about 12 a.m. I swear I didn't plan anything. Stuff just happens, you know? But it kinda makes me wonder what Tuesday is gonna be like when I have to actually see him again. Things might be a little different, but I'm hoping I'm wrong because I don't want things to get wierd. Or even more wierd than they normally are. I know you people have no clue what the hell I'm talking about and that's okay!! Part of me doesn't want you to know. I mean I don't regret it, not in the least, but it's still kinda strange to say to people 'this is what I did' you know?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.................... I don't know.

Current Location:
listening to music at lindseys
Current Mood:
happy happy
Current Music:
Music choice
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OKay, so I have this new boyfriend name Chris. He's 15 and we've been going out now for about a week. No big deal right? Well, let me put it this way the guy has already had his hands on my ass and boobs and I have yet to try and stop him. Hes already kissed my neck twice, but stopped himself, so he wouldn't give me any markings and truth be told I wish he wouldn't stop it feels so good!!! I know he's the biggest pervert on the face of the planet, but you guys know he would never get that far with me and I just want a little four play you know?? I've stopped myself thus far and played the little miss goody goody, but I don't know how long I can hold up!! I'm feeling so wierd and it's only been a week!! That's not normal!! It's sad because I'm just dying for him to touch me! When he has his hand on my legs just ever so close to my spot it takes all my effort not to have my way with him right then! I've had feelings like this before. I'm a teen feelings like this are bound to be a problem and if it were just me and him I could probably control them, but then you add in Sami and I'm totally lost!!!! Sami is this girl that I've known since 7th grade and last year she turned bi, just like me. Nothing to worry about. Oh wait, yes there is! I have only the biggest crush on her and her and I have already kissed and held hands and Chris is okay with it as long as she doesn't take his place.
Now I have fantasies just like every other girl, but having them while I'm on the phone with Chris and thinking about when Sami and I first kissed and the way it felt to have Chris's hands on my body.. The mix is dangerous! And now I have now clue what to do! The tingling sensation in my special place wont go away and I can't get my mind to stop thinking about it! Damn I'm reminding myself of a man! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
What should I do???????
Current Location:
Lindsey's house
Current Mood:
horny horny
Current Music:
none
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The Music Director(Mr. Mac) is awesome!!! He sety high standards, so that's fun. All the other classes are cool too. I have yet to get lost and now pretty much all of my friends know I'm bi and are okay with it! How great is that!!!! Anyway i'll go into more detail later, but I'm not really in the mood to explain my whole week right now.
love you all bunches, ttyl,
maddie
Current Location:
Lindsey's house
Current Mood:
content content
Current Music:
Charolatte Church (I didn't spell that right, I know.)
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I'm feeling very sad now and I don't know why?? It's one of those things that just hit you out of nowhere. It sucks, but there's not much I can do about it i suppose. Well I don't really feel like writing so I'm gonna go.
love you guys,
Maddie
Current Location:
Lindsey's house
Current Mood:
crushed crushed
Current Music:
Only Crazy people Fall in Love with me--The Wreckers
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Okay, so it's like 4:30 in the morning, but I'm still up. So not smart when school is next week!!!! lol I got my hair fix today, or yesterday now. But it looks so cute!!! I was totally freaking out while the cut it because trying new things is supper hard for me. Especially when it comes to my hair. But I loved the lady who did it for me. She was so nice, not one of those snoby preppy bitches that usually work in those places. lol You gotta admit it's true??? Angie hasn't been on myspace.com since the second and her last to entries in her blog weren't very, shall we say, happy? So I don't know whether to think she's just been busy or she's getting herself into trouble. I hate that I worry about her so much. I bet it's probably no big deal. She's probably just hanging out with her friends or that person she likes now!!!! You know, I just wish I knew whether it was a guy or girl. That would help so much.

Anyway, everything is going pretty well besides her. i'm happy and totally freaked that schools gonna start. I'll feel a lot better once I know my way around, the people I'll be sitting with at lunch and all that. I'm hoping that this guy I've been talking to that goes to my school, well, I'm hoping him and I will become good friends, so I can become friends with his friends and so forth. Of course that'll only matter depending on his social standing. I know I sound shallow, but I'll spend 4 years there I don't want to have to be the stupid loser while I'm there! I don't want to give anyone any reason to make fun of me. I have to make friends with the right people, you know. I have the clothes to help me, and the hair, and the backpack, the only thing I'm missing is the attitude... That's one thing I don't think I'll be able to grasp. Confidence is not one of my best abilities, so to speak. Especially in a brand new school, with no clue where to go..

Okay now I'm freaking myself out even more than usual. If anyones got any helpful words I'd love to hear them right about now...

Oh and totally off topic, but if anyone knows how to update flash 9 please tell me I need to get it on this computer..

HEARTS ALWAYS,
Maddie
Current Location:
lindsey's place
Current Mood:
anxious anxious
Current Music:
10 years--Wasteland
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I am so bored!!!! I stayed up till 4 last night and got up at 11. 7 hours. Not bad. I'm still at Lindsey's. Of course and she sitting reading Harry Potter. The 3rd one. I don't know why she'd rather read them than listen to them, but whatever.
I'm listening to only u. It a kinda old song, but I still like it.
High School starts in a couple of days. About a week. I'm so freaked! Luckly I know a Jr. who's gonna help me out. I don't know if I fully trust him though? Well see.
lol wanna here something funny??? Yesterday I was talking to this guy about Angie and we were debating on what I should do. And this guy is 32 and I managed to win!!!! That proves it emotional issues and guys so don't mix!!! lol It sucks too, but hey, now we know it's a fact.
Current Location:
listening to music at lindseys
Current Mood:
bouncy bouncy
Current Music:
Mariah Carey--Bringin on the Heartbreak
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OKay, so I can sometimes be a slut. I know I can be. I suppose I should really draw a line for myself. I used to have on, but I guess I'm just loosing control. And that's not good.
Let me explain:
I'm a good girl. I do what I'm told and I try hard in school. I do my chores without being told and I love to cuddle with my mom on the couch after she gets off work.
However, sometimes I want to get out and do something totally crazy!!! Unfortunately, most of the time that means doing something I'll totally regret. And I just so happen to be a good actress. (As long as no one knows I'm acting.) So what do you think would happen when a guy wants you to call him after talkin you up a bit. Well I SHOULD have blocked him right then and there. That's what I'd nomally do, but no. I decided to play him up a bit. To kinda see how it all worked. (phone sex. basically.) I know it's shocking to her from me. And I hate that it happened.
I mean I didn't fully go through with it. I did call him and acted like I was into it, but I was totally freaked. I didn't like being there, talking to him. Eventually I hung up on him and had Lindsey turn her phone off.
Then I got back on myspace and blocked him then. The point is that I hte myself for it and now would be a great time to cut. I know I deserve it. I shouldn't be allowed to live. Why the hell did God put such a twisted person like me on the planet??? Maybe I should just bleed! I'd be doing everyone a favor and they know it. Even if they don't admit it. They know it's true.
I mean look at me! I'm a wreck. My dad is probably so pissed I don't even know. He's probably ashamed to call me his daughter. Maybe he'll just disown me alltogether. Just cause he's dead doesn't mean he can't do that kind of stuff you know???
Man I feel so dirty. You have no idea!!!! I just wanna lay down and die. I'd save the world of myself. (HELL broken loose)
Current Location:
listening to music at lindseys
Current Mood:
disappointed disappointed
Current Music:
Billy Gilman-- It happened anyway.
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Sorry I haven't been on for so long, but I'm here now. Nothing is really going on. I'm still missing Angie like crazy, but it's getting easier everyday. I know there is now someone else she wants to be with, so I have to respect that and let go. If that's what she want then who am I to stop her? However she is beginning to worry me. She's slipping back into deep depression and she wont let me help her. Everytime I write to her she doesn't respond and if she doesn't open up and trust me, Imean really trust me, I can't do anything, but wait to see what she does next. And even that depends on her writing in her myspace blog. And if she ends up making that friends only then I'm scewed.
I just want to be there for her, you know? I guess I probably sound like some kind of stalker or something, but I'm not. I just really care about this girl and I don't want to see her destroy her own life. She means a lot to me that's all.
I guess, in a way, I still love her, but it's like they say: Sometimes loving someone means letting go.. And that's what I have to do. Unfortuanately that's the one thing I don't know how to do.
Current Location:
listening to music at lindseys
Current Mood:
worried worried
Current Music:
Rain--The Wreckers
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Well, I've decided not to let Angelina get to me. (we'll see how long this lasts.) I know I worry way to much about crap that doesn't even matter. I was happy before I knew that she still loved me. That is if she really still does, I'm doubting that now, but what ever, right?
The point is that I'm not gonna let something control my life. I've let that happen so many times and it's gotten me no where, so why go down the same road again?
My sister's coming over today, well maybe, she might go over to my brother's. I hope she does that instead. I hate when she comes over! She drives me nutts!! And totally takes over the computer.
Myspace isn't working right cause I guess they had a power outage yesterday, in L.A. that directly hit the Myspace data base. It really sucks, but not in a major way cause Amelia and a new friend Cristina are here and they are just so awesome!! They have to leave this Tuesday, which also sucks, but it's been fun. We even went skinny dipping while Lindsey's parents were away. Lindsey did for a minute, but decided otherwise later. Cristina didn't feel comferable enough so she just went a sat in a chair, but still, she only had a towel on, so I'd say that's pretty cool. I mean we were outside after all. Still Amelia and I stayed in the pool for a while. It was loads of fun. I actually liked it once I got in. Just being outside with no clothes on was kinda freaky. Once you get into the pool it kinda feels like you're still clothed.. In a way that is.
My mom is dying to have me back home and, don't get me wrong, I like being home and I love my mom, but the Summers I'm always away. It's like my break away for all the craziness of my family. Maybe later.
Current Location:
lindsey's place
Current Mood:
happy happy
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